I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
