I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
