John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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