She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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