I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
