Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
