My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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