It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
