Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
