So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
