party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize