you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
