I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
