Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
