Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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