matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I enjoy the company of your penis
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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