shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
