Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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