You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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