I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
