pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
