Swine flu. Run for my life!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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