I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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