Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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