I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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