I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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