i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
