you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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