i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
