I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
