Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
