We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
