I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
