my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize