hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
