I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
