Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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