Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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