Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
