Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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