I bet he comes in French.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
