you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
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