So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
