so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Randomize
