I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
