I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
