I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
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