I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
