If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
