So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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