remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You ruined the universe
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize