hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I need to calm my uterus...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize