I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
