Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
