You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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