...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
