btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize
